B"H

ISRAELI LAUNDROMAT HIJINX & SPIRITUAL WALLS

Thursday, September 4th

Did a LOT of lettering today. My hands & forearms are sore...
At 7 p.m. I'm doing laundry a couple of blocks from my apartment & these Israeli teens are making a video!
It was so hilarious, I laugh out loud as the little one with shining brown eyes & brunette pigtail springs for hair in baggy red plaid pyjama bottoms which say "bootylicious" across the butt & a grey baby T climbs inside one of the dryers, complete with Tevas. They take turns climbing inside & videoing each other they all *might* be 15, at most.
I made myself a strong cup of coffee at home. black black. stirred in some White Death (that would be granulated sugar) & got to work.
Felt very weird - almost like I was coming own with a bug or something. I felt a bit nauseous & uneasy. I know I didn't catch a flu from my flights, because they're too long ago now. Sure I had strong coffee with sugar & only a boiled egg to eat, but that wasn't it. Each time I got up from the table I was just a tiny bit shaky. It was almost imperceptible. Something's wrong & I don't know what it is. Yet.

After webbing & blogging, I settled on the chesterfield & began reading Rav Nebenzahl's book on the month of Elul - & how to effectively do tshuvah (after all, repentance is my middle name) & now I understand my problem. I'm selfish. I'm here to do this work for me & not for G@d, to welcome the precious opportunity to perform the special mitzvot required of me while here. I'm taking, not giving. This is a serious flaw. How can I transform this part of my Self?
I suspect that my fears of being physically injured or murdered while I'm here are not just based on the threats that were made against me the last time I was learning with my sofer, but are linked to my lack of chesed in this area, my sometimes patchy faith in G@d (Shoftim 2:10, 12 & 3:2). If only I could find the chesed & the strength to serve G@d in the way that only I am meant to - the whole reason why I walk this Earth - then I would have no need to feel suspicious or fearful of others. I would simply serve & be preserved by the grace of G@d.
Perhaps this is the beginning of the lesson I was meant to learn about myself by coming here, the lesson alluded to in the dream I had the night after I found out that I was definitely coming to Israel. The dream that told me there was a part of myself that was not in tune with G@d & the sacred path I wish to tread. There's been an old spiritual blockage which I haven't *quite* been able to dismantle on my own, due to the pain of the past that turned me into a taker, a taker whom I've mostly turned around & healed, but not completely. Maybe this is it. I think so. I feel so. Thank G@d. Now what do I do?
All I know is that I won't be worthy to write this Sefer Torah until I have healed this wound.
How do I gently open this part of myself which is still protectively closed, still concerned with preserving my Self & my ego above anything else? I don't have a clue how. I only know what. I'm going to go meditate.
All I could do is cry. I was freezing. Sweating. Heart palpitating. & that nasty taste in my mouth...I went into shock. I got under my quilt fully clothed & lay there stiff & straight, shivering, with my hands over my heart, full of dread. I don't know how long for.
Joel called. I cried to him about my revelation. He loaned me all his love & sympathy & told me that I was in the process of becoming the Real Me. Why do I deserve this man? He's so *good*...
As I began to express my experiences, thoughts & feelings to Joel, I cried & came out of shock. Then as I processed my revelation my body became like a furnace, sweating profusely. I was totally overheated so I turned on the fan AND the air conditioner. It was 4 a.m. I still sweated through my clothes & left a puddle on the plastic dining room chair.
I just want to do this work with all the love & respect & consciousness that it deserves. I have to climb out of this chrysalid to do that.

With G@d's help...